Thankful
So much to be thankful for this year! Here are a few:
1.Leo (actually he's 1-365)
2. Being married to the love of my life
3. My amazing family
4. Friends all over the country both old and new
5. No racoon attacks!
6. A warm and cozy home
7. THe opportunity to pursue my education
8. The Horn Frogs!
9. Fuzzy pajamas
10. Yoga
11. My CRHP group
12. Clementine (and, yes, even Toby)
13. Sunshine in November
14. A Cowboys win yesterday
15. The power of hope and the ability to see beauty everywhere.

Oh My!
So I've noticed a disturbing trend in the paper lately--animals gone wild! Yesterday it was the resurgence of coyotes in Dallas and a kangaroo who went nuts and tried to drown a dog. Today it was troupes of maurading baboons in South Africa who are going around attacking tourists and breaking into cars. Watch out! I would like to add an extra warning about racoons--they're slighly evil. There's nothing worse than a coon gone bad! I've lived in mortal terror of them since an unfortunate summer camp experience in 8th grade.
Yesterday I returned to school which was pretty awesome. I loved being back in class and the debate over Marxist racial ideology proved a welcome reprise from my more recent conversations about binkys and poop. That being said, it was even nicer to come home to my little Leo. He spent the day with grandma and grandpa and had a wonderful time--even if his neurotic mom called every few hours to check up on him!

This long holiday weekend will involve yoga, family, eating, shopping, birthday partying, walking around the lake, Christmas decorations, and excessive kissing of a baby. So much to be thankful for!

Best
One of the best parts of having Leo around is seeing Eric interact with his son. How beautiful! I like the way they watch football together and the way that Eric runs to see him when he gets home from work. Watching him be a dad makes me love him even more.
A friend was by today with good food and conversation. She remarked that she could actually see a difference in me. I think this is because I've gone back to being me. For the past couple years everything has been stiffled by the infertility and then the adoption woes, and then in December the grief. Now I feel all the negative stripped away and the me coming back. I'm about to be 32 in a little over a week, and I feel younger than I've felt in a long time.

Same Song, Millionth Verse
Okay. . . now I'm obsessed with the Progressive Era. At this rate it will take me 15 years to get through school because I want to write 6 different disserations! Still, I can think of worse ways to spend 15 years! I've actually been reading Leo some of my school books. He thinks the Populist party is as intersting as I do! He'll be a little historian yet!
I think Leo and I are getting used to somewhat of a routine, so while we are still getting up ever 2-3 hours, we are both going back to sleep a lot more quickly. As a result I feel much more like a human being today. I can put a coherent sentence together at least which is a real bonus.
Last night a friend came over to meet Leo, and she gave us a picture frame with the pic of us first holding our little man which reads "Life is Beautiful." I couldn't agree more!

Day One
E went back to work today leaving Leo and I alone for our first day together. I enjoyed the bit of normalcy. I did a lot of school work while Leo slept, and then we went on our first outing together. It started as a trip to the drug store, but it was such a nice day that I decided we would go to the local botanical garden for a walk. Not bad for a Wednesday! We did have a few learning curve moments, though. First of all, I was undone by snaps! I had to put this outfit on about 4 times before I finally figured it out. Then just when I had it figured out and put him on my lap to get a little more work done, he had mega projection pee and soaked himself and me! I put on a less cute outfit. Still, I am embracing even getting peed on--we waited for this moment for so long that I am determined to enjoy every minute!

In other news. .. I did a revision of my paper that is looking pretty good if I do say so myself. I also threw myself back into my legation project work. I am planning to do something with it, but I just don't know what yet. Also I'm glad Nicole won ANTM which I am rather sickened that I watch--gotta love the guilty pleasures. Oh, and I dig the new Prisoner. Partly I like it because it's interesting and well made, and partly I watch because it reminds me of watching the original on old VHS tapes in a college dorm room, talking with friends and thinking we were discovering the secrets of the universe.

A-OK
Leo had his first doc appointment today, and he's perfectly healthy. I liked the doc, and he's located in the Tom Thumb parking lot which is an extra bonus. We also hit the library to rent some work out dvds because I know that I probably won't be able to make it to the gym every day any more. I did go and run today just because I was going a little batty.
But for now I think I'm going to try to nap a little because 4 a.m. is just not very fun when you're already exhausted.

He's Here!
Leo was born on November 10 at 4:50 p.m. He's 6 pounds, 8 ounces, 18 inches long and perfect in every way. Well except for the fact that he thinks night time is for partying.
I've been avoiding blogging because it just seems to big to do justice to. This process has been so long and so hard, but he is worth every moment of drama. I just like to sit and watch him breathe.
The 48 hour period was agony, and E and I must have paced miles and miles, but finally we got to pick him up on Thursday evening. Despite the birthmother's not wanting to meet us, we actually did meet right before we left the hospital, and I am so glad that we did. I got to tell this amazing woman thank you, and she got to see that he was going to a good home. I will never forget her saying, "I am so happy that he is going home with you." I will do my very best to live up to that trust.

I have also reaffirmed that I have the best friends and family who have flooded us with love and support. This is one well loved little boy!

Now I have to go take a nap while I can.

And Then the Letting Go
Better today. Fear is an ugly thing, and I don't want to live there any more. Plus I'm hip deep in the Radical Reconstruction and have no time for anxiety. At least I have indoor plumbing. There's always something to be thankful for.

That Was Then, This is Now
I can't help comparing waiting for Joey to waiting for this new babe. I find it hard to fathom that I'm even the same person who gleefully awaited her son last year. While the aftermath of that disaster almost killed me, I must say I miss the ability to joyfully prepare for a birth. I miss my family and friends being involved. I miss being happy. To be honest right now my overwhelming emotion is terror. I know how badly it hurts to lose a child, and the thought of going back to that pain is paralyzing. I've had several panic attacks over the last few days because I cannot go back to that place of pain. I've fought so hard over the last 11 months to regain happiness. I just can't go back there again.
I also feel a little alone in this process which is not a dig on friends and family but an admission that I have kept this so close to my heart that I haven't let people in. I've built a fortress around my heart and then wonder why no one is able to penetrate it. The thing is after the last loss part of what killed me was the disappointment and hurt of those around me, so I thought that if I kept it private this time it would hurt less. In reality, however, all it's done is made me lonely, feeling like no one cares or like they would care more if I were actually pregnant. The worst part is that my excitement is always tempered by not wanting to get too close, by fear of hurt.
This week could be the week that defines us, one way or the other.
I miss the joy, but perhaps this knowledge of loss will help me to be a more compassionate mother should I ever get the chance, if I ever rid myself of this fear.

In Awe
I am dumbstruck at the increbile beauty of the last few days. For some reason the seasons sneak up on me and seem even more miraculous each year. The past several days have seen azure skies, temperatures in the 70s, and what passes for fall folliage in Texas. The yelows, reds, and oranges transform the neighborhood giving it an almost enchanted feel. I am determined to celebrate each miracle I find.

I am daring to hope that this fall will be the fall.

Victory!
I vanquished my fear ofthe dentist! And I was complimented on my hygiene. I'm not bragging. . . I'm just saying!

Revival
I'm not even sure how to explain what happened, but our group pulled together last night and left me completely inspired to continue. Sometimes I guess you have to fight when something is important. Perhaps the more important it is, the harder it is to battle through. In any case, I am determined to see this through now.
I am also dazzled by the day--blue skies, brilliant sun, changing leaves. Stunning. It seems a good time to be born.

Resolution
I am determined to not let others affect how I view myself. I also need to pay attention to who I share information with. When I get upset my first instinct is to just blab everything and get it all out so I can then get over it. I picked the wrong person to do that with this week, and it's come back to bite me in the butt. I can't wait until this retreat is over!
I've been so stressed that I woke up with a pinched something in my neck. I can't turn my head, and the pain radiates down my back and shoulder. Lovely.
Our plans yesterday fell through, sigh. But I had bought smores materials in preparation, so last night E and I had smores with halloween candy melted in them. Yummy. Yay sugar coma!