Simple Summer Pleasures
Perfect summer night: go to Sonic, order a delicious Cherry Limeade Chiller (cherry limeade mixed with soft serve), drive down to the lake, sit on the dock watching the lights on the water and listening to the night sounds, hold hands with your baby.

Horned
I spent a wonderful afternoon on campus meeting with my advisor and taking care of paper work before the fall semester starts. This afternoon went a long way towards assuaging my fears. First of all my advisor seemed to think that I was entering the program in a good place between my prior MA and my knowledge of Spanish I will be able to start without having to do the nitty gritty requirements. I will be taking one of his classes in the fall, so he gave me the reading list to get started on as well. American West, here I come!
When I first set foot on campus last spring I commented that everyone went out of their way to help me. I thought it might be a fluke. Nope. Within minutes of setting foot in the student center and, admittedly, looking a little lost, a woman came over to find if I needed help. She then walked me to the correct office and got someone to baby step me through the registration process. In the ID office everyone took interest in what I would be studying. Then, as I was leaving the building, I was once again offered assistance or directions. There is a aura of kindness on that campus. It reminds me of a larger, more Texan Kenyon.
I happened to be on campus for Percussion Camp which meant about 25 drum circles spread out all over campus. Having my own beat got me thinking of my lifelong dream--to have a soundtrack accompanying my life. I just need a band to follow me around and play appropriate mood music. I'm working on it.
The day further cemented my knowledge that I am making the right move.

1st Day
Today marks my first day as an unemployed person. Of course I did some tutoring this afternoon, but still . . .
I must say I have mixed feelings. I've been devoting several hours a day to reading and studying history, immersing myself in academia again. I love it. My mind is coming to life once more. That being said, with each book I read, I realize how many more I must devour before becoming an expert in the field. I feel like I am trying to climb a mountain wearing high heels. Overwhelming. Still, I guess I can only tackle it one book, one class, one lecture at a time.
As excited as I am for the next chapter, however, I am terrified. I am giving up a decent income and steady check for the unknown. I will get a stipend, and we still have Eric's income, but the prospect of cutting my salary by more than 1/2 sends shivers down my spine.
The insecurites also rise--what if I am not good enough? Not smart enough? Not skilled enough at University politics?
Only one way to find out.
Here's to the first day.

Male Bonding
The baby is a boy. I am not sure what to do with that information.
I hate this whole thing.

Life is not about gloom and doom, though. Last night we laughed our booties off at The Hangover. Today I got to do my two favorite exercise classes and swim. Plus I finished a couple of books.

I've been sitting at the computer trying to come up with a great, thoughtful yet pithy final line that would sum up life as I know it. I've been sitting awhile.

It is what it is.

What I'm Into and What I'm Not
Into:
1. The Garage channel on Sirius--it's a crazy mix of people like the Rolling Stones, Elvis, the Ramones, Nirvana, Little Richard, Care Bears on Fire with random stuff from the 1950s all tied together by crazy British d.j.s who ramble on an on about the famous people they know. Brill. Speaking of Care Bears on Fire--they are an all girl band whose members are in the 8th and 9th grades. They're channeling a little Joan Jett meets Bikini Kill sort of thing. Disturbingly I also liked a song by Kelly Osborne.
2. Summer school is over. PTL. (Praise the Lord)
3. Yoga--I'm really enjoying moving my body in new and challenging ways.
4. Intellectual reading--I feel my mind reawakening. I have just received letters from my advisor making the whole go back to school thing seem more real.
Not Into:
1. Swimming injuries--I was super into my laps this morning, and I lost track of where I was in the pool only to go kareening into the side, smacking my hand. I pulled most of the skin off of my hand, and it's particularly gross and painful at the moment.
2. Our house--ongoing disaster! The ac broke sending water cascading down our walls, damaging the carpet, walls, and ceiling. The ac people won't fix the ac until we install easier attic access. The attic access people just came out and refused to do the work because they can't see what's going on up there and did not want to take on the liability. The insurance folks are dragging their heels, and I'm altogether ready to sell the damn place and move into a condo. Of course the only thing keeping me here is the fact that we can't sell until we do all of the repairs! Plus we're in the middle of a re-fi. (E--can I come live in the hotel?)
3. I am anti the heat. I'm just saying.
4. MJ. Yes, he sang and danced well. Pop culture icon. I get it. But please--did the entire CNN newscast need to revolve around him? Really?
5. The discussions of anal cancer related to Farrah's recent passing. I know it's a horrible, deadly disease, but I find it too ookey to discuss.

In the meantime I wait for the world to change.

Recovery Time
Of the many differences between the two heart breaks, I think the most significant is the recovery time. Today I was able to function and to dream of a future. It took months for that the last time. Partly this is a function of my more hardened heart, but mostly I attribute this to it still being a few months out.
There has to be an end at some point. One would hope.
As for now, I tutor, I read American history tomes, I go to yoga, I kickbox, I hang, and I dream.

Insert Creative Title
I still don't really have words. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that we begin again, that once again we've failed. I know it's not personal, but it feels that way. People keep telling me to let it go, to try not to get involved, to just be patient, to trust that it will happen eventually. This is both true and utterly unhelpful.
The worst is when people try to tell me that this is all part of God's plan. That's utter crap. God does not plan for people to hurt like this, and he doesn't plan for people to make destructive decisions that hurt innocent babies. This is not a plan. This is just a classic example of crappy things happening. No more, no less.
I am gratful, however, that I've had so many blessings. We celebrated Father's Day tonight and surprised my dad with a new bike. It was cool to find something that blew away the man who usually wants nothing. It was also a chance to enjoy my family (and hummus). I guess the problem is that I know how much I have been blessed which makes me want so badly to share those blessings with a child. As dad was opening his years of father's day cards, I wanted Eric so deserately to have those memories too. He deserves it.
We're back on the list, our profiles going out. Square one. Again.
I keep trying to tell myself how worth it all of this will be if we finally have a child, but I have a real difficulty seeing it. I can't even imagin talking to another birthmother or ever opening up again. Luckily or unluckily, however, as much as I will myself to have a heart of stone, it crumbles every time. And then I put it back together as best I can.

Numb
I just got off the phone with the birth mother. A number of things have happened recently, and she is about 95% sure that she now wants to keep the baby. She says she has not entirely made up her mind, but after talking to her, I know that she has in her heart.
I feel like I am in someone else's life, someone else's body. No tears, just emptiness.

Building Character
Really no good ever came out of activities labeled "character building."
Walking around in the 104 degree heat does not build character.
Patiently waiting does not really build character.
Scrubbing the floors does not build character.
I'm just saying.

Other than my hot crankiness, I've got nothing.
Mom and I explored old Downtown Carrollton today which, despite the heat and the fact that most stores are closed on Mondays, was a blast. The area is expected to take off once they finish the elusive Green Line. I dig supporting local causes, and I hope they make something of it.

Sadly, I'm actually heading off to kickboxing to cool down.

Father's Day
Happy Father's Day to all dads out there, especially my own.
It is a little bit of a bittersweet day for us. I've had many thoughts of Joey over the last few days. Still, I know that Eric is going to make such a wonderful father. He has brought me such joy and love over the past 8 years, and I know he is going to devote his life to our child when he or she comes. It does make me feel sad that I could not provide him with a son or daughter, though, like I am less than a wife. It's a silly, self-destructive thought, but there it is.
On a happier note, we enjoyed the balloon festival yesterday. Just the act of doing something out of the ordinary elevated the day. That and kettlecorn.

Up, Up, and Away
E and I are about to head out to the hot air balloon festival/air show, and I am practically as giddy as a school girl! We might even ride in one of the old planes--yay for barnstorming!
I'm also in a good mood because we went to Shakespeare in the Park last night and saw a delightful production of Taming of the Shrew. it may be sexist and inappropriate, but it's a darn funny play with some fantastic lines. Moreover, the night was perfect with a little breeze keeping everyone cool. Plus my mom packed three things I love: wine, hummus, and cookies. It doesn't get better than that.
This morning I did my combo weight lifting/boxing classes to nourish my body and am trying to finish An Economic Interpretation of the Consistution of the United States to enrich the mind. I'm also getting my groove on with Soul Town--I don't know when my obsession with old Motown started, but it makes me want to give up my day job to become a beehived back-up singer. Oh wait, I already quit my job--there's nothing stopping me now!

That Ivy Review
My audition tonight with a certain test prep company went well, and I have the job. Mainly I took the job in order to get certified to teach SAT and GRE prep courses. It will be great training. They seem like nice people too.
I also met with a new tutoring client today, and I have another new client tomorrow. My plans for world tutoring domination are afoot!
I hosted book club last night which turned out to be small but lovely. We had a fantastic discussion. And pudding. Really the pudding was an integral part of the evening. Oh, and wine. Anyway, I recommend The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. It is a retelling of Hamlet that I found thought provoking if a little flawed. Check it out.
I have no idea how June is already half over.
Business is a blessing.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Last night's show featuring my lovely Munchkins was pure delicious spectacle although I was reminded once again of how much I hate Music Hall at Fair Park. The seats were so uncomfortable that my butt is still sore. Still, it was worth it even if just to remind me of the power of color and light to amaze. It took me back to my thesis writing days when I dug into the power of spectacle in L. Frank Baum's world. I look forward to that sort of research intensity again.
Speaking of which, I finished the Ideological Causes of the Revolution. Next up: An Economic Interpretation of the Revolution. Boo yeah.
Much of yesterday we spent trimming damaged trees and picking up debris from the storm. Nature's power to destroy never ceases to amaze me.
Today's agenda includes making apple sauce again (this time for a How-To class I have to teach), baking bread, and leading the retreat meeting. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I trust I'll muddle through some how. I am the world's least likely leader, but maybe my reticence will prove an advantage. I am usually more likely to follow someone who does not pretend to have all of the answers. Often I just want someone to share the journey with. Hopefully that's what I can be for these ladies.

O Pioneers!
A massive storm system hit the neighborhood last night sending me back to a primitive state.
As I was in my yoga class, all of the power went out at the gym, and we were herded downstairs because there were funnel clouds seen in the area. As I finally made my way back home, the streets were littered with fallen trees, fences, and patio sets in the middle of the street. The power in the house did not come back on until after 10, so I made do by lighting a bunch of candles and getting in touch with my pioneer roots.
I read my American Revolution book by the light of a flickering candle which I thought was particularly appropriate. It actually helped me to envision the early Americans writing their passionate words about natural law, freedom, and the powers of government by the light of tallow candles in darkened rooms. Yeah, I need to get a life!!
This morning I awoke to more storms curtailing my morning swim. I wouldn't mind swimming laps in the rain, but Eric was against my swimming in the lightning and thunder. He's such a stick in the mud. Hopefully it will clear soon and I can rejoin my 21st century life.

Quiet Moments
The best thing about only working part time right now is that I actually have a little time to think and to just be alone. While I am a social person, I relish having quiet time to read the paper, accomplish small tasks that I've been putting off and even to simply stare out the window at my ginger lilies that are coming up right now.
Of course I also have time to examine this or this. I blame my sister for that. If I do not get my doctorate, it will be her fault!
Nothing new from the roller coaster which is fine with me--I could use a few days of coasting.

I Will Lead Them Up and Down
Sometimes I feel like I am one of the poor mortals in the forrest of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. As Puck sayd, "Lord, what fools these mortals be." Perhaps the reason that life is so full of unpredicted twists and turns is that we are pawns in an elaborate supernatural battle. That faeries just want to mess with us. I don't believe in wee people or anything, but what if we are just being messed with?
The past few days have been even more rollercoasterish than usual.
I've been in contact with the expectant mother, and she emaield to tell me that she was freaking out because the baby was not moving. She ended up going to the emergency room. She says they did find a healthy heart rate, but I did not really get any more concrete information on the baby's health. I've been worried sick about it. She is 20 weeks along and is not getting proper medical care. I am scared for both her and the child.
Secondly I have now taken over the leadership for the church retreat program, and that is both a blessing and a giant pain. My unreasonable desire for perfection causes me to stress all of the little details of this process, and I am not really a detail person. I need to learn to let it go.
I started summer school today, and that seemed to go well. I am a little bummed, though, because they took my keys. I have to beg at the door to get in--a further reminder that my days there are over.
I have begun to fill my spare time with historical documents and monographs, odd that my future is the past. I can feel my brain emerging from hibernation.

I have no sum up sentence to make sense of the lunacy of late. Perhaps I'll turn back to Midsummer: "The course of true love never did run smooth."

Ranks of the Unemployed
Well, I kinda joined those ranks today.
Except I start summer school on Monday.
And I'm tutoring a few days a week.
And I'm a professional student!

I came home and made applesauce. That's how I roll.
I also finished a fairly good book called The Illuminator. The writing was not terribly brilliant, but it had an interesting story and was filled with historical details. For some reason I've read 3 books in a row about 14th century England. These things go in phases. Earlier this year it was Mormons. Last year I had a disturbing circus/prostitution theme going. Next up I will begin my herioc task of getting through the TCU reading list starting at the American Revolution. Some people travel to exotic isles and foreign lands. I read historical monographs, work out, and make healthy fruit snacks. Nerdliscious.

Dedication
I had a nice surprise today--the students dedicated the yearbook to me. My two favorite students made a big presentation after mass today, and I, of course, cried my way through a little good bye speech. I was truly touched. I've been blown away with the sincerity and heart felt thanks I have received over the last few weeks.
I know I am on to bigger and brighter things, but I do not think I will ever receive the same amount of adulation and love as I get from those kids. of course I also won't have to get people to walk in a straight and quiet line anymore either!
Anyway, I truly consider myself blessed.
This has been a stressful week with school administration, but I realize that it is the validation of the students that I need, not some crazy ex-nun and her incompetent lacky. They mean well, they just don't really understand how to relate to humans.
Tomorrow I must return for a workday, but for today I pledge to enjoy the rest of my afternoon, starting with jumping in the pool and floating my cares away.

Tuesday's Child
Boring day.
No kids.
Cleaning up.
Meetings.
Bleh.

It's almost summer. PTL.