Good, Bad, and Ugly Part Dos
Good: I won an award today called the Work of Heart award from the Diocese. It honors excellence in Catholic Education. Better yet, it came with a $500 prize. I know we should all have intrinsic motivation, but extrinsic works pretty well too.
Bad: Still no news from the other schools.
Ugly: I am having some sort of hormonal imbalance and have developed a Mt. Vesivius type zit on my forehead. It feels like a 3rd eye or something. That was probably way too revealing, but it's on my mind.

One Foot
I do not think I am being melodramatic when I say that walking has if not saved my life then saved my soul. I pound the pavement for hours each week, and I find the steps soothing. I am always joined by my trusty hound Toby and usually by the hubby, and while it is not a cure for whatever ails me, it is certainly a good anesthetic.

People ask how I am doing, and I am not sure how to answer the question. I have no idea how I'm doing, I just know that I keep walking. One foot after the other.

Confirmed
I had to work confirmation all afternoon, and the emotions it dredged up took me a little by surprise. First of all I felt such pride in my students who truly took the occassion seriously and were earnest and wonderful. I love getting to see their best sides--something that does not necessarily happen all that often. I was also a little overhwelmed that this will be my last class there, and while I am 100% sure that my decision is the right one, it is not without sadness and loss. I love these students, and I will miss them, and teaching, terribly. I got to see several of my former students who were so sweet, and I loved seeing how they have grown into intelligent, kind, and wonderful young men and women. There is hope after junior high!! It was a validation of the job I have, more often than not, loved.
Ever since December going to church has been difficult for me, not because I have any doubts about my faith but rather because it is the one time when I am stripped of my defenses, and the shell that I have built around myself to get through the day crumbles. Being that vunerable scares me. I hope that one day I'll be able to go to a service without crying, but it probably will not be any time soon. This hypersensitivity was compounded by the family nature of the event. These parents love their children so much that it is palatable. I love seeing it, but it hurts as well.
Anyway, all of this swirled around my head this afternoon.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the fabulous party we had for a fabulous bride last night. It was an evening of wonderful friends, tasty beverages, crawdad racing, storytelling, and laughing, and I was happy to have been a part of it. I may not know where I am going all the time, but at least I have some great people to get lost with.

Perils
My life is filled with myriad dangers, including some I didn't even realize I should be worrying about.
I just found out that wearing my fuzzy pink sleep socks is like issuing a challenge to the cat. Slipping my feet into the magenta heart covered loveliness I am taking my life into my own hands. She has been sneaking around the house, pouncing and snarling at the offending foot coverings.
I also found out that apparently what has been holidng up my admissions process at one of the universities is that they someone think I am not a citizen. Having my social and all other personal info apparently is not good enough for them, and they want to see my naturalization papers. What I'm really irritated about, though, is that they did not see fit to actually tell me about the proble. I found out months after the fact almost accidentally while on the website.

Other perils are more sublte and insidious--like thinking you're over something and then realizing you're not.

Evaluating
Every few months the principal decides she wants to see a dog and pony show and announces formal evaluations. Today was mine. As I am never able to do anything half-assedly I put on a sound and light extravaganza complete with movie clips, power points, optical illusions, handouts, rubrics, well-timed jokes, and I might even have tap danced a little. I am unsure what I was trying to prove as I am on my way out the door, but I enjoyed that feeling that comes from nailing my job. I have to savor those moments when they come.
As my 8th graders just founds out where they got into for high school, I've also had quite a few parents take the time to thank me for what I've done for their students. It only takes them a few seconds to drop me an email, but it makes all of the difference in the world to me.
Meanwhile I just continue on and try to find joy in the little things. This is not the life I wanted right now, but it's the one I have. And that's ok.
5 joys for today:
1. I ran into an old student who is thriving in high school--seeing them succeed makes me happy
2. I've recently come back into contact with an old friend who is good for the soul
3. I just killed the horrible huge mosquito like bug that got in the house a few hours ago and has been taunting me.
4. The trees returning to life seems fairly metaphorical this year.
5. I noticed myself truly looking forward to events again--here's to the head coming out of the sand!

Two Disappointments
Despite an overall wonderful spring break, I've had a couple of disappointments. The first was realizing that the star wars light saber wii game was just not nearly as cool as it should have been. I had been so excited about the prospect of wielding a light saber and battling my husband in the comfort of our living room, but it just didn't pan out that way. Unlike the intuitive sports games designed by Nintendo, this one was frustrating and not realistic. The game background was so dark that I couldn't even really see where I was going. I mean, really, they ruined a light saber game? It seems like such a no brainer.
My second disappointment is going to make me unpopular. Last night we went to see The Watchmen which I was really prepared to enjoy. In college I read the graphic novel and had been impressed with its thoughtfulness and intellectual appeal. The movie really never should have been made. It did not translate very well. There were serious scenes where I found myself giggling, especially the alledged love scenes. The ultra-violence seemed ludicrous. What works in a graphic novel and in the comic book genre does not always work on screen. Moreover, what really bothered me I guess was the tone. This movie was fundamentally bleak, crass and ugly. Perhaps I was in a darker stage when I read the novel and that's why I was able to enjoy it or perhaps Snyder modified the tone a little, but I found it truly unpalatable. I guess it boils down to personal choice--I choose believe in hope and in other people and this movie mocks and dismisses that belief. I am not a Pollyanna by any means, and I can slip towards darkness too, but I choose not to live there. I also choose not to get my entertainment from such a truly ugly place. I have no idea when hip and smart became equated with dark, cynical and devoid of hope. I don't buy it.

Countdown
The vacation clock is ticking down as I prepare to head back to work on Monday. I know that no one with a regular job will feel remotely sorry for me, but it is going to be difficult to adjust to being back there again. I have only 9 weeks left at the job, and this has sparked many mixed feelings.
I know without a doubt that this is the right course of action, but leaving a place wehre I have developed so many ties with such amazing young people will be extrememly difficult. I love those kids, and I feel like I am letting them down.
Yet. . . I was at TCU yesterday, and the atmosphere energized me. I felt once again that I knew what I was meant to do. I enjoyed the campus, and everyone I met there went out of the way to be kind to me. I still haven't heard from anyone else yet, but I am sure I would be completly happy as a horned frog. It may not be the most prestigious of the programs, but I think I could be a big fish there. Plus they are really working on a complete campus overhaul. It is a place on the way up. I also like the idea of E and I both going in the same direction. Anyway, at least I have something certain in my life.
Today I tried a new boxing class which may or may not have left me permanently incompacitated. Ouch. At least I did not punch myself again. It's the small things that I am thankful for.
Toby and I are about to go enjoy the lake life this afternoon and leave countdowns and questions of the future to sort themselves out.

And Pause
I wish sometimes that I had a pause button on the life remote. I can't believe I have come to my last official day of spring break. There is so much more I wanted to do! Still, I did manage to have a fabulous time over the last few days. The above pics are from our shockingly beautiful day at Dallas Blooms yesterday. The sight of over a million tulips is one that seems almost achingly lovely. At several points my breath was literally taken away by the often thoughtful and sometimes whimsical arrangement of natural wonder. We packed a picnic and ate on the grassy hill overlooking the lake. As we lay back on the picnic blanket I experienced a feeling of warmth and wellness that almost took me by surprise.
Earlier in the week we hit the Tut exhibit which was pretty interesting although after seeing the Egyptian exhibits at the Met in New York and at the British Museum in London was not really all that special. It was, however, ridiculously overcrowded. The star of the museum was not the Tut, however, it was the Elliason installations which were playful and interactive. I was completely taken in. In one room he rigged lighting so it made everything monochrome--it was disconcerting to appear in black and white. In another you felt your way through a pitch black hallway and then rounded the corner to discover a perfectly lit mist that changed as you interacted with it. The surprise of it and its malleable beauty engendered a sense of wild joy. The exhibit is leaving on Sunday, so if you're in the area, I highly recommend.
Today I am making the trek out to check out the TCU campus. I am very excited to see where I could be studying for the next few years. Afterwards we will probably hit the Kimball, the Modern or maybe even the zoo before finishing up with an evening in Sundance Square.
I love the staycation!
We made a pact with each other that we will never give up exploring and adventuring even if it is only within a few miles of the house. There is too much wonder in the world to stay home.
I think I've turned a corner this week in terms of living in the now and letting the rest happen as it will. Perhaps one can't live in the moment forever, but for now I'm enjoying the flowers, spring's warm breezes, and a new lightness of being.

Because every girl dreams of being a princess!
And because a plastic tiara is as close as I'm going to get.

Home Again, Home Again
Let me explain. No, there is to much. Let me sum up.

We had a fabulous weekend in the Big Easy even if we did spend most of it waterlogged. Friday after arrival we hit the town and enjoyed our only rain free evening. My favorite part of the evening was an ordinarily sophisticated member of our party accidentally propositioning a bartender! Classic.
Saturday we had a mimosa party and feted the lovely bride to be before tackling the city once again. Despite the rain we managed to enjoy ourselves. We even caught part of the St. Joesph parade headed by Frankie Avalon who, contrary to popular belief, is not dead. No Annette sightings, though. I was made aware of a bizarro N.O. tradition at the parade--non-dancing dance groups made up of women who most definitely should never be wearing spandex yet seem to have purchased their outfits from stripper central. Disturbing on several levels. Also disturbing were the floats of little girls who were presumably the court for the festival. They were all wearing the clearance rack of David's, but the disturbing part was they were given these white/clear rain ponchos that wehn pulled up made them look like members of the klan.
Anyway.
Other memorable sights: bootie dancers in the middle of Bourban stopping traffic, men dancing on a bar in tidy whities, a horrible metal toilet (technically I did not experience that joy), metallic men in every hue, a wedding parade, azaleas in full bloom, people falling flat on their faces in the street, more alligator heads than I thought imaginable,millions of chandeliers, a rotating bar, 6 foot tall drag queens in 5 inch heels, a horse entering a bar, and the general lush ripe decay that is the city.
As I am an early riser, each morning I got up, worked out, and then explored the city a little on my own. There is something magical about a city in the morning as it awakens. I enjoyed sipping my chicory coffee as I strolled the almost abandoned streets--much more my scene than the crowded party that begins later.
The highlight of the trip was our brunch at Brennan's. I've never had a three course breakfast before, but I highly recommend. Equipped with my bloody mary, I started with a baked apple in cream sauce followed by poached eggs over artichoke and cream spinach, and I finished with bananas foster. I just drooled on the keyboard just thinking about it.
However, as fantastic as that was, I take it back. The best part of the weekend was getting to celebrate a friend begin her marriage.
Still, getting back to my own husband was sweet too.
Today I am reveling in laziness and trying to enjoy not doing. It's not my strong suit, but I am determined to let myself go even if it is just for a few hours. As much as I like letting the good times roll, I need to enjoy gathering moss as well.

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
Good: I leave for New Orleans tomorrow for a weekend of girlie fun.
Bad: Still no news from the universities. I might have some form of apoleptic fit soon. Every time I get the mail my heart stop.
Ugly: Because we will be spending the weekend apart, E suggested a date. We ended up at this little Thai place close to the mall, and I had the worst meal I have ever gotten at a restaurant. I probably had about 3 bites, and then I came home and actually ate a sandwich. We rarely go out, and to waste it seemed a shame. Still, at least the company was good.

I'm ready for the good times to roll. Bring it on!

Birdhouse in My Soul
I must admit that my Lenten pledge to stop complaining is really not working very well. It's a little much right now. Given my utter lack of ability to censor all of the negative swirling in my psyche right now, perhaps what I can try to do is temper it with a little extra focus on the positive.
So. . . here it goes:
1)While doing a dramatic reading of Tennyson's "Ulysses" for my 7th graders using it as an opportunity to teach verbals I was struck that I will truly miss them. So many joys await me as I move to college teaching, but nothing will beat the pure silliness of my classroom now.
2)Walking with the hubs at the end of the day is my best moment, the time when I can most be myself. It's amazing to have a person that sees my entire being and likes me anyway.
3)I increased my weights while working out tonight
4)I've so been enjoying the veggie fake meat balls that I got the other day. Yumminess.
5)Only 2 1/2 days until spring break!

It's a start.

Kicking Around
At class tonight I almost kicked the instructor who was walking around while I was letting a roundhouse fly. Then I very cleverly punched my own leg while delivering a mean uppercut. I should not be let out of the house.
I am always gratful to get through a Monday without lasting damage, though.

Still it would be nice to have something to celebrate.

I guess that will have to wait until this weekend when I hit the Crescent City with my girlfriends to celebrate my favorite red headed friend. I can almost taste the coffee at Cafe Du Monde. Yum.

Really?
I just ran into a wall.
No this isn't some sort of deep metaphysical statement. I really just ran into a wall. I moved at such a destructive velocity that I actually broke skin on my shoulder. I'm super slick like that.

No that it matters, but I'd like to lodge a protest against daylight savings. I'm just saying. Perhaps I'll move to Arizona where they don't believe in such shennanigans.

Adjustment
Luckily the one positive about snarling unhappiness is that it seldom can sustain itself for very long. It's the sort of upset that burns itself out fairly quickly, thank goodness.
After the morning fireworks, the day finished with calm and quiet. Went to church, met a friend for lunch, walked 7 miles, and snuggled with e on the couch. That will produce an attitude adjustment.
I'm about to indulge in my favorite part of the week: Sunday paper reading. I don't care how many websites pop up on this web, nothing will ever replace the feeling of joy I get from plowing through the entire paper while sipping my coffee, petting the cat, and listening to a little jazz. Nothing better.
For perspective: I hate this process but love my life.

Bleh
I wish I knew how to cut off my thoughts and emotions. I am so sick of this entire process. I am sick of feeling bad about myself. I am sick of feeling that no one will ever pick us because we are not good enough. I am sick of getting excited every time the phone rings and being disappointed every time. I am sick of thinking about having a baby. I am sick about not being able to focus on the here and now. I am sick of feeling that I am missing out on my life while I am obsessing over this adoption. I am sick of watching everyone else in the world get pregant and have babies. I am sick, sick, sick of the WHOLE DAMN THING!!!!
That and I have to go into work today and spend my Saturday dealing with 14 year olds who think they rule the world.
Oh, and I'm sick of feeling like I should have a better attitude but don't.

This Old Man
I am officially married to an old man! The boy turns 40 today. I'll post pics of him and his walker later. Pretty soon he'll be having heated discussions about the best brands of prune juice . . . and I will love him all the same.

I talked to my principal today, and she was amazingly understanding. I feel a little like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. At the same time it is as if I am now jumping off of a cliff.

Hopefully my parachute works.

State of Status Quo
The days keep slipping by, not unpleasantly, and we continue continuing. There is not a thing wrong with this existence, it's just that I am waiting for another. I wish there was some way to rework the desires of the heart.
Otherwise life keeps coming. I was startled that it is already Wednesday, already March. I am never quite sure where the days go, but thanks to my handy pedometer I am always sure of the miles I put on.
Today was a mere 8 mile day. So far.
Tomorrow is the old man's actual birthday, so I am trying to think of something nice to do for him. Stop reading if you are easily sickened: I really do love him to a ridiculous degree, and I want more than anything to make this birthday special. It's been a hard few months, and we need celebration.
I guess the secret to survival is not terribly difficult--you just get up each day--gravity and intertia does the rest.

Oui Oui
Or is it Whee Wii?
I had a birthday party for the boy on Friday night which turned out to be a lurvely occassion. We just had a few friends over to the house for food, fire, and frolicking. It was a happy night, and I was glad to do something nice for E who could really use something fun right now. His big prezzie was a Wii which he has wanted for a very long time. I've always put it off, but I decided to splurge on him this year.
What I did not count on was how much fun I would have on it. I am a huge fan of the boxing game, go figure. At first I tried to use some of my kickboxing moves, but then I really just decided that moving around like a crazed monkey is more effective. I'm like a surly simian on steroids.
I don't know why I am so into alliteration today. I apologize.
We also saw a fabulous play yesterday called "Don't Dress for Dinner." It is a French farce that was brilliantly done at Theatre 3. I laughed so hard that I snorted loudly. I also might have actually slapped my knee in delight. The show closes next weekend, so hurry out and see it. You won't be disappointed.
I also made it back to church last night. I have had a really hard time going lately, but I want to continue to make the effort. I think perhaps the reason I cannot get through mass without crying is that it is a time when I truly let down my guard. Anyway the Saturday service is a little easier to deal with in that there are far fewer babies at that service. All of the songs were about opening the heart and offering up failures. I'm trying. That's the best I can do right now.
In the mean time, I am going to hit the lake trails with the Tobster--who cares that it is only 48 degrees? I'll warm up when I return by fake bowling to my heart's content.